February Adventures!

Natalie has been a tad stir crazy lately and was upset that she didn't get to tag along with me and Katie to the mall yesterday, so I promised a mall trip today. The three of us gals started with the Children's Museum, then lunch at Chick-fil-A (per Nattie's request), and ended with a short time at the play area (very crowded today). Someone was walking around the perimeter of the play area dressed as The Cat in the Hat - it was a really neat costume. I am assuming they were either there from the bookstore or the Build-a-Bear store. Natalie is still afraid of people in big costumes..she wouldn't go near, but did enjoy from afar.

By evening I was hurting quite a lot. Back pain and cervical pain...and I also started to pass a few small blood clots. Now I was really starting to get concerned. So I called Mercy On Call and they had Dr. Wenzel call me back to discuss everything. She said to just put my feet up and take it easy...that unless I had a significant amount of blood and was in severe pain that I shouldn't bother coming into the hospital. She said that even if worse came to worse and that I was miscarrying, that nothing could really be done this early anyway. Dr. Clevenger (my doctor) would be on call tomorrow if I wanted to call back and touch base with her.

Feb 2 thru 3 ~ We've had lots of snow on and off here in Iowa this winter. Today it is coming down so gentle and pretty outside...kind of looks like you are living inside a large snowglobe that has just been shaken! Craig went over to West Branch to help his buddy, Brian Pierce, move into his new house. I honestly wanted Craig to stick around here since I was still bleeding pretty heavily and feeling anxious about everything. But he had promised the Pierce's that he'd help out, and he hates backing out on a promise. I decided that Natalie, Katelyn and I would go out for lunch together...I probably should not have been up driving and walking around, but I felt I had to get out of the house for awhile and get my mind off of things.

Soon we were all back home and I was starting to really feel some pain. I called Dr. Clevenger...again I was told that unless the bleeding and pain had reached a certain level, that it was not necessary to go to the hospital. I was also told again that if I was miscarrying nothing could be done to stop it this early in the pregnancy. My doctor said that what I was describing didn't sound good...not to be too optimistic about the outcome, but not to give up all hope either. I felt so helpless. And I think Craig felt the same way - he likes to fix things...and he couldn't fix this. Craig asked if I wanted to pray together. I told him that I did want to pray, but I didn't feel I had enough strength to do my share...so he said a prayer for us. He held me close while I wept and asked the Lord to take care of me and the baby. I love him for stepping up and doing that. In all honesty, we've never been a couple that prays together...so that moment meant a great deal to me. I spent the majority of the night up in our master bedroom and bathroom. It was the most convenient, comfortable, and I didn't want our girls to witness all the pain I was going through. Craig took care of Nattie and Katie in between trips upstairs to check on me.

I went through really bad pain, bleeding, and clotting for about six or seven hours. It would come in waves so I could at least get some kind of break...about every fifteen minutes. After many hours I was so sore and exhausted...I sat on the bathroom floor and cried...begged, pleaded, and bargained with the Lord not to take my baby. Angry that this was my precious little one just being flushed down a toilet. I really didn't have too much hope that I wasn't miscarrying - I really doubted that a baby that tiny and fragile could make it through all the pain my body was feeling and all that my eyes were seeing. That doubt also made me feel ashamed because that also meant I was doubting the power and might of my God - He could save this child no matter what the circumstances if that was His plan...but it wasn't His plan...

The last hour was horrible, severe pain and bleeding that was constant. So Craig called the hospital to tell them we would be coming soon. He also called a few people we knew who lived nearby to see if they could come watch the girls. The two people he called both happened to be out of town for the weekend. Finally he called Mark Flanders (his friend and co-worker) from Cedar Rapids...the kids are familiar with Mark and he was willing to come out. Both Natalie and Katelyn were sleeping at the time. Natalie did wake up once soon after we left, but she was fine with Mark and went right back to sleep. We arrived at Mercy Hospital around one o'clock in the morning and waited for Dr. Clevenger. One of the nurses said I'd probably be getting a D&C and she wanted to prep me for it before the doctor arrived. I asked her to hold off because we didn't want the D&C without an ultrasound. I also didn't want to be poked three to six times for the IV...which is the norm for me. Craig and I had some quiet time in the ER room to talk before the doctor showed...I told him that in no way was I going to get a D&C unless I knew for sure that our baby wasn't living. Of course, Craig totally agreed with that decision. So my doctor came in and examined me. She said that I was already dilated to three centimeters and that an ultrasound would be of no use...that even if it showed a living baby, my cervix would not close on it's own until the baby was expelled...that if I hadn't already miscarried the baby, I soon would anyway...there was no way to save our baby. We asked if it was better, in her opinion, to have the D&C or to miscarry naturally...she thought either way was fine health-wise and that it was our choice. Dr. Clevenger also talked a little about how common it is to miscarry and how we should try not to dwell on the "what ifs" and "whys" because most likely it was just because the baby wasn't forming properly and that it's really no one's fault. She said our chance of conceiving again in the future is very strong since we have conceived, carried, and birthed two babies successfully. We knew all of this already, but it was nice to hear again. So in the end we did stick with our decision to go home and miscarry our child naturally...we felt it was the best decision for us physically, mentally, and spiritually. Of course we felt sad that we were losing our baby, but we left the hospital with a small sense of peace...peace in knowing that we did what we could and that the rest was in God's hands.

After a few hours of sleep, Craig got up with the girls and let me rest as much as I needed throughout the day. I was still bleeding (which we were told may last for quite a few days), but I wasn't in as much pain as the night before. Emotionally?...I think Craig and I are both just kind of numb right now. We told Natalie what had happened...she cried and was upset, but we know she will be okay. For a moment I regretted that I had even told her so early that we were pregnant - she had been so incredibly excited and maybe I could have spared her from being upset? But I've decided that I don't really regret sharing the news early because it is all a part of life and I know she'll be fine...my gut says so. She knows now that the baby died and that he or she is now in heaven and that it's a good thing. We also called our parents and I called my friend Sara to tell them of the miscarriage. I also don't have regrets when it comes to sharing the pregnancy news early with friends and family...I am impatient in that way and that's just who I am...I'm kind of an open book I guess...plus when bad times arise I'd rather not have people surprised to know that we were even pregnant in the first place.

Feb 4 ~ Craig took today off from work, which was a tremendous help and I am grateful. Natalie had a dentist appointment in the morning, so Craig took both girls with him for that. They also went to the store together. This gave me some alone time...I took a very long shower and just stood there and cried for awhile. I am doing okay. Natalie came home and showed me her fresh, clean teeth. Dr. Rubel said her teeth looked wonderful and there wasn't even a hint of plaque to be seen! Later in the day I drove over to the blood lab - I have to have my HCG levels taken every week for a few weeks to make sure the baby is indeed being miscarried. We have already received many encouraging emails and phone calls from family and friends regarding the loss of our baby. Each message has meant a great deal to us. I plan to print out the messages and save them along with the congratulations messages we got when we announced the pregnancy and the disk we have containing the photos of our six week ultrasound. It's all very strange right now...just to have to go on living normally again...not to go on like it never happened...but to also not dwell on it all...really strange. I'm sure I'll be saying no to a few activities for awhile just so I can give myself time to heal. I was scheduled to sing in an ensemble at church yesterday morning - Craig had called Kristen for me to let her know I couldn't make it. Today I had planned to babysit for the Lashmits and also go to a babysitting co-op meeting. I'm just going to have to take it slow for now.

Feb 5 ~ Natalie had preschool this morning. I let her teacher know what had happened over the weekend just so she'd be aware in case Natalie mentioned something. Ran into Beth Cullen, Ayla Kolosik, and Kristen Kufeldt in the church hallways...they stopped to chat for a minute and it was very nice. Natalie asked me today why the baby died. It hurt. I discussed it with her for as long as she wanted to talk. I told her that the baby just wasn't growing the way it was supposed to and that God decided that He wanted the baby to come with Him to heaven now. I assured her that God would hold the baby and love the baby and take care of the baby...that it was okay to be sad, but that everything was alright and that she shouldn't be worried. Natalie told me that she was happy that Katelyn was here with us and growing. It was a beautiful thing to hear.

The nurse called me today and said my HCG levels were at 865. She said that normal HCG levels at this point in pregnancy would be around 15,000. She asked if my bleeding was less now then it was Saturday and Sunday...I said yes definitely. She assumes that with levels that low and with the decreased bleeding, that I probably went through the majority of the miscarriage that Saturday and Sunday (Feb 2 & 3) before I even came into the ER. It crushes me to hear that the baby is gone, but I am relieved to know that the greater part of my physical pain is over.

I had an extremely difficult morning. I was feeling so down and depressed. It caught me a little off-guard since yesterday was such a decent day. I realize we were only nine and a half weeks along...but this baby was alive. Not only just alive from the point of conception, but this little one was alive even before he or she was placed in my womb...alive because she was something we had prayed for, hoped for, dreamed of. This baby was something we had anticipated, accepted, loved, and were in awe over. Not to mention, the Lord knew of this baby well before we did. Craig and I were already talking about names for our third child - it would have been Ethan Michael if it was a boy and girl names we were considering included Samantha, Bethany, Charlotte, Maggie, Julie, and Amanda - plus I had girl middle names in mind such as Lynn, Elaine, Joy, and Claire. We had just started picturing the new baby with us for Natalie's fifth birthday, Katelyn's second birthday, and all the end-of-the-year holidays. We had even started to imagine how the baby would "fit into" our family photograph for this year...I know for me, I would dare say I imagined it to the point that I almost could see her in a photo with us. Even though our baby wasn't yet fully formed and didn't look much like a baby, we saw this child's heart flickering on the ultrasound screen at six weeks...and that is what I see when I now close my eyes and think of her (I call the baby "her" out of habit I think). And I'm glad I have that image to hold onto...because over the weekend the only image I had was my baby being unlovingly dumped down a toilet. And I was angry with God for that. And I'm sure I'll have some days here and there when I still feel angry at God. But will I stay mad forever? No. Because how can I remain angry with the God who allowed me this child in the first place?...the same God who created this child and who created my other two beautiful children? I can't and I won't. Life will go on. Right now it's all just a little too confusing. God is so complex. There is a bigger picture than what we are living right here and now. A bigger picture that we cannot possibly comprehend or imagine. I fully believe that someday I will see my child in heaven...we will recognize each other and run to each other and embrace. And I am confident that Craig will also be there and I pray that all my children will be there. I didn't carry her for very long, but I'd like to think of that time as a gift and not as something I regret. She will forever be a part of me.

So as I started to say...it was a very difficult morning for me. I told Craig I needed him to come home. I knew I needed more time and that just having him in the house would make me feel better. I just wanted to have my entire family together in the same place for awhile longer. Craig wanted to be a support to me, but he also wasn't sure he should leave work. I felt bad for him because he was trying his best to balance everything and make the right choices. Because of the stresses we were going through, we did argue...I also think it boiled down to differences we were having in communication and in expectations. Craig did eventually come home in the afternoon and he even took the remainder of the week off. And it appeared as though his employer was very understanding in the matter...so that was a relief.

Natalie's preschool had a beach party at school this morning! The kids were instructed to come to school in summer clothes and to bring their beach towel and shades. So Natalie dressed in some denim shorts, a big summery short sleeved top, her pink Crocs sandals (her absolute favorite shoes that she wore practically all of last summer!), and her pink sunglasses. She brought her Nemo beach towel and a small beach ball that we have. She was so adorable and so excited to attend such a special day at school! It was quite the sight seeing her walk up the snowy church sidewalk wearing a winter coat and clunky snowboots with her shorts! I had to assure her many times that she'd be allowed to change into her Crocs once we got inside :) It looked like the kids had a marvelous time at the beach party! When I arrived to pick up Nat I was a little early, so I got to look in on all the action. All the preschool classes were in the chapel by the end of the day - one group was playing limbo and other games, one group was playing with a parachute and beach balls, and the third group was sitting on their beach towels having a snack (they all got to rotate and partcipate in each activity). Did I mention there was Beach Boys music blaring from the chapel and making it's way out into the hallways? So fun!

Craig took care of Katelyn at home so I could run Natalie to school and run some errands. I had to go in for a second blood screen. The nurse called me back later in the day and said my HCG level was down to 208 - and to come back in one week to repeat the labs. I stopped at Walmart to pick up some items. Ran into a church/Hearts In Touch friend I hadn't seen in some time - Tina Scandrett. It was nice catching up with her. I still had some time before I had to pick up Nat from school, so I swung by Barnes and Noble. Did a little browsing, had a coffee, and relished some time alone.

What else has been going on? We've had more snow over the past few days. Seems like every last person in this house is sick right now. We've been using the vaporizers in both of the girls' rooms at bedtime. It seems to help a bit. Katelyn is into kissing once again - love it! She and I were sitting on the floor together today and I asked her "Mom-Mom kiss?"...she came waddling over and planted a big one on my lips. Nattie has had some issues obeying lately. I'm sure it's just normal four year old stuff. Even so...we know we need to be on top of things before they get too out of hand. It's so hard though to make sure you aren't nagging at the same time. We have decided to go back to the "rock jar". This is a technique that a friend told me about long ago. I had tried it when Natalie was younger, but it ended up not working out for us at the time. I think she was too immature to get it back then. Basically we took a mid-sized babyfood jar and decorated it all pretty with sparkly stars and such and also labeled it "Nattie's Rocks!". When we catch her displaying positive behaviors we give her a small pretty rock (you can get them in the craft or gardening section of stores) to place in her jar. When she behaves in a negative way we take away a rock. Once the jar is full she gets a reward. For Natalie - she thrives on spending time doing special activities with her loved ones. So I asked her what she'd like her reward to be once the jar is full. She has chosen going ice-skating. So once the jar is full that is what we'll do...then the jar will be emptied and she can work toward another activity or toy or whatever it may be. We have the jar sitting out in the open on the headboard of her bed...that way she can see her progress. I think it is also important that you thoroughly explain why she is receiving or giving up a rock and that you have her put the rock in or take the rock out of the jar on her own - the actual physical act gives it more meaning. Also she needs to be reminded once in awhile that the rock represents ice-skating for her. So far it is working well. How are the girls getting along as sisters? They have their ups and downs. Especially now that Kate is walking. They love having each other to play with, but are also learning how to push each other's buttons. It is really fun watching them interact on a day-to-day basis!

Feb 14 ~ Happy Valentine's Day!! Natalie had a party for V-Day at preschool this morning. She had been looking forward to it and was so excited! It was really fun for me to buy Nattie's first valentines at the store last week - simple but cute ones with kitties and puppies on them! Natalie signed her name on each one all by herself, and she did an awesome job. She wrote her name with red marker because she said it was important to use a "valentine color" :) Before leaving the classroom after dropping off our kids, the parents stuck around and helped their children drop their valentines into each friend's bag. Today was also pink day (the color of the month is pink), so Nat dressed in a pink shirt and wore a heart necklace and bracelet that I surprised her with last minute. Natalie came home with her bag full of valentines and was bouncing off the walls from all the sugary treats they gobbled up at school!

Katelyn accompanied me running errands this morning. She and I made our fair share of stops around town, and Katie was such a good girl the entire time. I had to pick up some items for the night I had planned for me and Craig. I also had to stop by the blood lab to get my HCG checked once again. The nurse called back later saying it was at 25 - I'll have to do it again next week because they ideally like to see it at 5 or below. Bascially the HCG levels show that my pregnancy hormones are going down and that I am almost completely through to the end of the miscarriage. Hopefully it's also an indication that everything is pretty well "clean" and that I won't have a need to have a D&C performed.

In the early evening I started preparing for Craig to come home. My Valentine gift to him was for us to share a meal together after the kids went to bed. I also bought him a nice card. My original plan was that I was going to order take out. It had to be something I could pick up early and that would reheat well for later...the only thing that sounded appealing that fit the criteria was Olive Garden. But when I thought about it more, Craig is not really a big Olive Garden fan like I am. So in the end I decided it would be a better gift to him if I cooked one of his favorite meals at home. So I made Cheesy Chicken and baked potatoes. I did make it a little easier on myself by choosing to serve frozen breadsticks, bagged Caesar salad, and thawing out one of those Pepperidge Farm layer cakes (yum!). The girls ate their dinner early and also went to bed early. Craig had basketball after work, so he showered and got to relax a bit before dinner was ready. I went all out and bought a linen tablecloth and napkins with holders and lit candles at the table. We turned off the lights, turned on the fireplace, and turned on some soft music. It was really nice! Craig gave me a cute card and some of my favorite Ferrero Rocher chocolates. He also got me the third season of Mad About You on DVD, which we were able to watch some before bed. My favorite part was that he put my gift in a beautiful gift bag - sometimes men forget those details, so it was really cool. My hope is that we can try to have romantic dinners at home like this at least once per month or so.

Feb 16 ~ Our family decided to have dinner and play time at the mall tonight. I had mentioned to Nattie the other day that maybe it would be fun for her to bring her babydoll stroller to the mall sometime. Of course once you mention something like that to Nattie, you better be ready for her to talk about it non-stop until it becomes a reality! So Nat brought her stroller, her babydoll named Waukie, and a small purse that served as Waukie's diaper bag. She strolled along side us the whole way up and down the mall...it was cute because people kept looking at her and smiling. I think Nat really got a kick out of it and felt kind of important.

Feb 19 ~ School was cancelled today due to ice and snow. Lots of snow trucks going back and forth, which Natalie likes to watch. The girls spent most of the morning chasing each other around the house and playing in the ball pit. The big thing for Natalie today was playing Lite Brite (the other day it was Play-Doh). I had already planned to take the kids to McDonalds for lunch...so we kept with that plan later in the afternoon when the streets weren't as bad. Both girls ate really well and we just took our time having a pleasant meal together.

Feb 21 ~ Today was a busy, busy day for everyone in our family! After Craig left for work and I dropped Natalie off at preschool, Katie and I booked it on over to the blood lab for my last (crossing my fingers) blood draw. I am familiar with two ladies who work in that office...one of them is peppy and polite and sticks the needle in perfectly every time. The other is the total opposite. Who did I get today - you guessed it..."Opposite Girl". I had a glimmer of hope that maybe she had gotten better at her aim since I last had to deal with her. Unfortunately this was not the case - in fact this was the worst blood draw I've ever had in that office! It felt like she plunged the needle in, rolled it one way, and then rolled it the other way. And it burned to the point I about jumped out of the chair!

After my wonderful trip to the lab, Katie and I drove out to the JCPenney in Cedar Rapids. Katelyn was overdue for her one year photograph (she is over 14 months old now). Unlike my experience with the blood lab, we scored at the portrait place...we were the first customers of the day and one of the better ladies there snapped Kate's pictures. I forget this girl's name, but she is really good with kids. Katelyn wore the same outfit she wore for her first birthday party. Surprisingly, she kept the pretty barrette in her hair instead of pulling it out for her sucking and chewing pleasure. Her first few photos were adorable and she was so happy. Then it got harder and harder to make her smile and keep her content. But it was totally fine because all we wanted was one good picture. After picture taking we still had plenty of time to pick up Natalie from school (Craig had his cellphone handy in case I wasn't going to make it back in town on time).

After pre-k let out, the kids and I drove over to the mall to meet Karen and Dakota Mitchell for lunch and a playdate. Karen's mom, Mary, also joined us for the lunch portion of the afternoon. All three of the little girls had a blast in the play area. Natalie found many children her age to play with...Katelyn spent lots of time doing laps around the equipment and trying to escape over by the stairs. I was very, very proud of Natalie's behavior at the mall today. And there was one specific incident that made me smile most. I happened to catch Nattie interacting with another little girl. The little girl was trying to persuade Nat to leave the play area with her. Natalie told the girl that she was not allowed to leave and she let go of the girl's hand. The little girl did end up leaving the inner circle of the play area and ran out into the mall about halfway around the outer circle before returning. She tried to persuade Nat again - and again Nat said no. I did notice that she was contemplating her decision, but she did the right thing and did not give in. She stood right at the edge of the play area where the carpet meets the tile, but she didn't budge. I was sure to go over to my beautiful daughter and I told her how incredibly proud I was of her for making the right choice and obeying her parents' rule. And just for the sake of backing up her choice, we revisited the reasons why Mommy and Daddy make it a rule to never ever leave the carpeted area by herself.

Feb 22 ~ Natalie and I bonded over baking muffins today. She loves stirring and licking the utensils. Spaghetti was on the menu for dinner tonight - Kate's first time eating spaghetti all on her own. She thoroughly enjoyed making a big reddish orange mess while gobbling it up! While making dinner I had left the pantry door cracked open. Katie loves investigating all doors and cabinets, so she soon had it all the way open and was found pointing at the box of crackers while trying to voice to me that she wanted one. She's becoming a big girl too fast!

Feb 23 ~ I got up early with the girls this morning. Craig has been helping me so much at home lately that I thought it would be nice to let him sleep in. Once he got up I did take advantage and snagged a nap! I had been invited to a card making party at Jill Lashmit's house. I had intended to go, but once the day came I was feeling a little down and not in the mood for socializing. But Craig thought it might be good for me to go and that I'd end up having a good time anyway, so he nudged me to get up and get ready. I did get ready and headed out the door. I even drove down by Jill's house, but in the end I decided that I just didn't want to be a downer and I wanted to be alone for a few hours. So instead I found myself over at Goodwill doing some bargain shopping. It was really very relaxing. The next time I saw Jill, I did make sure to explain to her why I was a no-show...I think she understood.

Later in the evening Nattie helped me stir some batter for cookies. I also gave her a bath and we had some interesting conversation while I was washing her up. Out of the blue she told me that she had prayed in bed the past two nights. I said "Oh really? And what did you pray about?" She told me that it was a secret and she didn't want to tell me. I told her that was perfectly fine...that some things are just meant to be between her and God and that she didn't need to tell me. Then she looks at me and asks "Mom, what do you think Jesus' voice sounds like?" The question kind of blew me away because I'd never thought about that before and it was a good question. I told her that I really didn't know and asked her what she maybe thought it sounded like. She didn't have an answer either. So I said, "Well, maybe it sounds like a song...wouldn't that be nice?" She smiled real big and said yes.

Feb 24 ~ Choir sang in the chapel for Sunday services today. It was a little bit of a struggle for me since I still have somewhat of a cold, but it was still good to be there. We sang O Worship the King, All Creatures of Our God and King, A Thousand Tongues, Our Great God, and Uncreated One. My absolute favorite was the Fernando Ortega song - Our Great God. I can't really find words to explain why I love it, I just do. Craig showed up to the first service with the girls and got them situated in their Sunday school rooms. Craig told me that Natalie heard a song on the radio today that he didn't recognize. So he doubted that she really truly knew the song when she got excited and asked him to turn it up. Well, she proceeded to belt out the majority of the chorus and proved him wrong! The song was the new one by Point of Grace called Turn Up the Music. Natalie and Katelyn got to enjoy a McDonalds lunch with their Daddy after church today. Craig said he sat the girls next to each other at the restaurant, which sounded like it may have been a mistake...they kept bugging each other all through lunch. Ah, the joy of sisterhood ;)

After I finished singing the last service I drove across town to The Spot for a few hours. Today was the first of three meals I helped coordinate for the kids there. We had Jill Lashmit's small group from Hearts In Touch serving lunch (and also Derricca Krutsinger). There were many hands working this afternoon, so my actual presence wasn't needed. I just felt the need to at least be around for some of it since it was my idea. I ended up staying the whole time and it was great. The ladies served nachos with all the fixings, orange sections, and a variety of cookies. I mostly helped with cleaning and drinks. I think the HIT women really liked volunteering today and I know that it blessed those young boys and girls. Derricca's husband came out and taught some of the kids how to do origami and some of the ladies even stuck around to check out the chapel service that the kids partcipate in. For many ladies it was the first time they had ever been to The Spot, so it was neat that they got to see what it was all about. Jill did a fantastic job recruiting her small group to do this - she has such a servant's heart!

The evening didn't go quite as smoothly as our morning and afternoon went. After getting Natalie dressed in her dance gear, loading both kids in the car, and driving through the slush...I arrived at dance class to find that it had been cancelled. I was not too pleased considering that I had checked Iowa City school cancellations online and had even called the rec center about an hour before class. The best I can figure is that they must not keep all the cancellations online or on tv past a certain hour of the day. So we drove back home and I started to get ready for dinner. Natalie decided to disobey me (I can't remember the offense offhand), so I had to stop and take care of that. We are still doing the "rock jar" with her (see Feb 12 entry) and this was the first time I had to take away a rock. While I was upstairs tending to Natalie, Katelyn was downstairs in the kitchen happily splashing water from the dog bowl. So I had to then tell her no (which in return she threw a big flailing tantrum on the floor) and then clean up all the water. By this time the kids were cranky and hungry so I needed to get working on that dinner! I thought it would go fairly easy since all I was making was simply grilled ham and cheese and popping open a can of soup. Well, to top off my night I ended up burning my first round of sandwiches and had to start over. Whew! I definitely was not in the best of moods by the time Craig walked through the door. But everything eventually calmed down and now it's just a memory typed up in our family journal :)

Feb 26 ~ Craig went into work early this morning and it was a school day for Miss Natalie. After dropping Natalie off at Parkview I drove Kate over to her Daddy's work. Craig offered to entertain Katelyn while I went to my OBGYN appointment. It was a very short appointment. Dr. Clevenger performed a quick exam and we discussed the miscarriage. She said that everything looked fine so no D&C needed. My last HCG level was at a 9...even though it wasn't the ideal 5 or under, she was confident that it was good enough...so no more needle pokes for me for now. She informed me that I should be receiving my monthly cycle within the next few weeks, and she highly suggested that we try to prevent pregnancy until that cycle returns. After that we are free to do as we please. Again she mentioned that having this one miscarriage does not effect our ability to conceive in the future and that we should stay clear of any thoughts that we are to blame for losing the baby. She asked about my emotional health...which I told her I was feeling blah on and off but that I was still doing okay and we were handling things fine. She asked if it felt strange coming in for the exam today...that question surprised me because I was indeed feeling upset about being there...more than I thought I would. She assured me that it was a perfectly normal thing to be feeling - that the last time I was in that office I was with child and that the next time I expected to be in that office I thought I'd be hearing the heartbeat of that child...so that is a big thing to get over for some people. I left the doctor's office feeling like some sort of chapter of our life had just come to a close. It's hard to explain fully. I guess it had to do with the fact that we wouldn't have any more appointments coming up in the near future since we were no longer pregnant. So it was sort of sad driving away from the building.

I went back to Craig's work to pick up Katelyn. Craig said she had an excellent time walking up and down the aisles and visiting with his co-workers. Katie and I had some time to kill before retrieving Natalie, so I drove through Starbucks and got a coffee. By this time Kate was napping in her carseat. Katie and I went inside to get Nat...we were a little early so I stopped in the bathroom to clean off some cookie crumbs from Katie's face. Natalie happened to walk into the restroom with Mrs. DeMatta (teacher's aide) while we were still in there. She was happy to see us. Mrs. DeMatta waited outside the stall while Nat used the potty. Suddenly her sweet little voice echoed from the stall..."I love you, Mommy!". That made my day.

So as I mentioned at the beginning of this entry, Craig went in very early to work this morning. Neither of us are typically fond of waking up early, so that was different but I didn't think much of it. Well, then I hear our garage door opening shortly after 3pm...coming home early is also something that is not typical of Craig. He told me to start getting myself and the kids freshened up because we were going somewhere. Okay. So we all got ready, I replenished supplies in the diaper bag, and we were off to who knows where in the van. We pull into Jill and Philip Lashmit's neighborhood and he tells me that we are leaving the kids with them and going on a date! Craig had set the whole thing up with Jill over a week ago - another thing not typical of Craig and it was awesome! So the girls had a nice time with the Lashmits for about four hours while we went to a movie and dinner. Going to a 4pm show on a weeknight is great because we were the only ones in the theatre. We saw a romantic comedy called Definitely, Maybe. It was actually a pretty good movie. Then Craig took me to House of Lords for dinner. We talked about all kinds of things - everything from the movie ending to religion to the kids. It was a wonderful time! Later that night I told Craig that he could have taken me to Taco Bell and I would have been happy - it was the fact that he did all the planning that won me over. By the time we picked up the girls they were tired and glad to see us. Katelyn had a good time playing with her buddy Abraham and Natalie had a good time reading some books and helping Jill fold some laundry (I wish I could have a good time while folding laundry!).

Feb 28 ~ "We're going to Grandma and Grandpa's house today!" is what Natalie exclaimed upon waking this morning. The girls and I decided to get away for a long weekend and head to Illinois...our plans were just to relax and maybe spend some time together. I was really in need of a change of scenery for a few days. Thankfully, I was able to finish the packing and load up the van while Nat was in school and Katelyn was napping. Craig surprised us by meeting us at the school and joining us for lunch. Nat's choice was Panera at the foodcourt...Nat and I used to go there quite a bit, but hadn't been in awhile. After our bagels with cream cheese and such, it was time to say bye to Dad and hit the road. The drive down was pretty peaceful even with the three stops I had to make along the way - one to figure out why the DVD player wasn't working, two to give the girls some ibuprofen (they still have lingering coughs and sore throats), and three to give Nat a potty break. Oh yes - and a wonderful potty break it was...right as I hit Peoria the child I love so much says she needs to go poopy. Usually I don't go anywhere in Peoria unless I have specific directions - I get lost easily. But I saw that there were some businesses close by and exited into the city. Of course the road ended up curving around all the businesses instead of taking me straight to them, so I ended up in what looked to be not the greatest of neighborhoods. But finally I found a larger gas station that looked pretty clean and modern from the outside, so I pulled in. It had probably the grossest bathroom I've ever seen in my life - and I am not one that is much afraid of germs (I am known to lick my child's pacifier free of dirt and pop it back in her mouth). Anyway...the floor was layered in about three years worth of grime, the toilet was stopped up, and they had one of those nasty cloth towel dispensers. So Nat did her business fast and we got out of there. We were all very excited to see Grandma and Grandpa Essington! Craig's parents were delighted to witness Katelyn's walking skills. Grandpa had a surprise for Nat - he had bought a new Radio Flyer bigwheel for her (and Kate when she's older) to ride when we visit their house. It's really neat - it's big and red with a tall red flag on the back.

Feb 29 ~ One thing I wanted to do while in Illinois was to have a mother/daughter day with Natalie. Both she and I were looking forward to spending time alone together! So, Katie spent her afternoon with her grandparents while Nat and I enjoyed our time out. We went to a new place in Normal called Make a Mess. They have all kinds of fun activities for children to partcipate in there. There were many things that Natalie loved doing...she got to play dress up with some other little girls, sing karaoke, jump in a huge ball pit, bounce in the obstacle course, play with gooey green slime (which she laughed when Mom said it looked like big green boogers!), and much more. Surprisingly, she spent a really large chunk of time throwing these little sticky balls at a big wall and watching them slink their way back down. She was most likely letting go of some pent up aggression or something. I hate to say it - but I get the feeling that she is picking up on many of my bad characteristics I'm sure. I guess I need to work on some things, huh? For lunch we went to Ming's which is an Asian food buffet. It was a very special time getting to sit across from my oldest daughter and share a meal. We had a good time trying all the different foods and ending our time with bowls of ice cream topped with sprinkles. Before going back to Grandma and Grandpa's house, we stopped at Walgreens to pick up a few necessities...I let Nat pick out a Beanie Baby for herself and for Katelyn. I love getting to do things with my girls - today was my favorite day during our Illinois visit! I can't wait until Katie is old enough to do these kinds of activities as well.